Do You Think I’m Fat?

The day of reckoning is coming. No, I did not have a vision from God; I’m talking about spring. Soon, I’ll have to take off these bulky sweaters and walk out of the house with no coat on my back. Then there will be nothing to cover those extra ten pounds I put on this winter. I can’t even think about the first day of summer. That will be a dark day for me.

I will finally have to face up to the truth – that my plan was flawed from the start. I should have asked someone else to hide the Costco sized bag of M&M peanuts. What good is hiding the candy when you’re the only one who knows where it is?

At one point this winter, there were M&M Peanuts within reach at all times. There was a jar of M&M Peanuts on the shelf in my home office, one in the kitchen pantry and another in a secret drawer in the TV room. I call them my “power pellets,” because they have the same effect on me that spinach has on Popeye.

They give me energy to run up flights of stairs and carry multiple bags of groceries in one arm. A bowl of M&M Peanuts on my desk can keep me working through the night. And with a fistful of M&M Peanuts in my apron pocket, I can cook dinner, fold laundry and bake cookies at the same time.

I carry a small plastic bag of M&M Peanuts in my purse – my “emergency food.” In the car’s console, buried under the maps, is another bag of “emergency food backup M&Ms.” Buried in the seam of my coat pocket, I often find a few stray M&M Peanuts covered with lint – little surprises to brighten my day– like finding hidden treasure.

I discovered my favorite movie snack when, by accident, I dropped an M&M peanut into a bowl of salty popcorn. Eureka!

Then there is “the slow melt,” an inimitable teatime treat that I created to pass the time during a February snowstorm. It is a blend of meditation and lovemaking. You start by placing one M&M Peanut in your mouth. As you sip your tea, concentrate on rolling the M&M Peanut gently around your tongue to slowly dissolve the hard outside shell without cracking it into little pieces. Close your eyes (you can meditate at this point) as your tongue penetrates to the next layer. Taste the smooth milk chocolate melting, filling your mouth, as endorphins are released in your brain and sensual pleasure sensors are awakened. Finally, the naked peanut is revealed and it is a wonder to behold!

Besides protein, the naked peanut contains niacin, magnesium, phosphorus, manganese and dietary fiber. Why, with all those dietary benefits, you would be remiss not to eat M&M Peanuts.

Sadly, my love affair with M&M Peanuts is now over. Today, I made a clean break and vowed to avoid the grocery store’s candy aisle altogether. I threw the empty bag away last night and whispered sadly, regrettably – It’s not you; it’s me. I just can’t control myself when I’m around you. We’ll have to make a clean break. I’m sorry.

This morning, after I weighed myself, I realized the damage was worse than I had anticipated. Feeling ashamed for my gluttonous consumption of M&M Peanuts all winter, I pulled out my i-phone and asked Siri, “Do you think I’m fat?”

To my sheer delight, he answered, To me, My Queen, you are perfect!

About Christine Vanderberg

Christine Vanderberg is a humorist who lives on the South Shore of Long Island. Visit me at my blogsite: christinevanderberg.com
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3 Responses to Do You Think I’m Fat?

  1. Carmela Gandolfo says:

    Great!

    Like

  2. Eileen says:

    Our inner earnings come out in funny ways.
    Hit the nail on the head again with a common issue for everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

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