JULY….. Week One: The Heat and Humidity

Last Wednesday, I turned the page on my wall calendar and sighed. There it was in bold black letters: JULY. Every year I hope the earth will spin a little faster to knock off a few days in July, but every year it’s the same 31 days I have to endure.

I am careful when expressing my true feelings about the month of July. I usually wait for someone else to start complaining about the heat and humidity before I join in the conversation. I’m a coward; I like to test the waters before I jump in, because, like the politically charged arguments between liberals and conservatives these days, you can’t discuss the weather without taking sides. You either like the cold or you like the heat, and, by golly, you’d better have a good defense prepared if you’re going to argue in favor of winter – especially after the harsh winter we had here on the east coast.

These days, it doesn’t take much to ignite someone’s temper. Admitting to a summer sun worshipper that you hate their beloved month of July, and prefer the biting cold of January, is enough to start a heated argument. Tread lightly and don’t provoke anyone on this because, statistically, the summer months have the highest rate of violent crimes.

Personally, I usually start my days in an agitated mood during the month of July. To my husband’s morning greeting I say, I see we have another *#@!! hot day to get through today!

I’m not just grumpy from the heat, I’m also sleep deprived from spending all night trying to regulate the temperature in my bedroom. First, we try to cool things down by turning the fans on. When that doesn’t work, we turn the fans off, close the windows and turn the air conditioner on. The air conditioner is so noisy, we take turns stuffing tissues and torn papers on the sides to cut down the vibration, then finally turn it off and go back to open windows and fans blowing hot humid air around. Then the covers come off, the nightgown comes off, the covers go on, the nightgown goes on again.

How much quality sleep can one get with all those interruptions? One hour? Two? And if I’m lucky enough to finally doze off, some barking dog left outside overnight will interrupt my sleep. There are also those demonic screeches from possum fights, the howling of cats in heat and that annoying mocking-bird chirping all night long.

Lack of sleep makes you forgetful, anxious, irritable, and sensitive to loud noises – all the psychological symptoms of a neurotic disorder. Combine that with the choking heat and humidity of July and the end result is a walking, ticking time bomb – a hothead – ready to explode at any moment.

Anything can set you off: a long line at the grocery store, a traffic jam, missing the train, no clean underwear in the drawer, burnt toast, a dirty spoon at the diner, a wet bath towel on the floor or the sound of your husband crunching his cereal in the morning. Do I need to go on?

Don’t believe me? The next time you are driving on the parkway, and the temperatures reach above 90 degrees, observe the erratic driving patterns of those cars with their windows open. Those are the cars without air conditioning.

If you pull up beside one, I bet you’ll see the driver hunched over the wheel, an arm dangling loosely out the window, sweat dripping down the forehead, and a mean look on his face. Stay away from that car. The driver is hot and impatient to get home to a cool shower. He will drive around you, over you, or through you, to get to his destination.

Observe your mail carriers on a hot day in July. Are they weaving down the road? Stomping clumsily through the bushes that separate your houses, instead of jauntily walking down your front walk and following the sidewalk to the next house? Do they throw the mail willy-nilly into your mailbox, ripping the front pages of your magazines in the process, instead of sorting everything neatly, in size order, like they did during the cooler months? No, they aren’t drunk; they’re hot.

And, finally, here are the facts regarding our decrease in sexual activity during the month of July.  Did you know that there are fewer conceptions during the hot summer months? Most babies born in the United States are born in late September – 2% more than in early April. Do the math. December is the most sexually active month of the year for Americans, not July. It can’t simply be that we’re all in the holiday spirit. Maybe it has to do with bodies trying to keep warm.

The Trojan condom company confirmed this with their Degrees of Pleasure Study. The study found that 35% of participants admitted to refusing sex because it was too hot, compared to 19% who refused sex because it was too cold. I could have saved them the time and expense by reporting the same facts from my own personal experience.

So, what can we cold temperature lovers do if we hate the heat of July? We will certainly refuse to have sex until it cools off, or a new air conditioner is purchased – whichever comes first. But, there is a more serious issue to contend with than the hot temperatures and fiery tempers in July. With two full moons this month, there will be twice the number of werewolves on the prowl.

Since one full moon has already passed, the next full moon will arrive at 6:43 AM on July 31, 2015. Consider yourself warned. werewolf

Coming up next week….

JULY…..     Week Two: The Green Flies Are Coming!

About Christine Vanderberg

Christine Vanderberg is a humorist who lives on the South Shore of Long Island. Visit me at my blogsite: christinevanderberg.com
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One Response to JULY….. Week One: The Heat and Humidity

  1. Pingback: JULY… Week Four: The North Wind, Blueberries, and Pesto Sauce | Laughing With Buddha

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